“I’m fine.”
“I’m fine.” This statement may not apply to all men aged 70+, but there is a common “I’m fine” mentality that may have grown up with them since childhood. Parents in the 50s and earlier may have modelled something a little different than what we’re seeing today — not expressing feelings or talking things through, or repairing after a fight, and keeping things quiet.
Talking about feelings, or even knowing feelings existed, was almost a moot point — a shanda (Yiddish for disgrace or extreme shame, as my grandparents would say). Feelings were tucked under the rug, and if you do the math, imagine what that rug might look like now if someone repeatedly shared “I’m fine” when they actually weren’t (but didn’t fully realize they weren’t or had the words to identify them). If you ask me, that rug would look pretty mountainous.
And it doesn’t always get easier the older you get. Sure, your protective systems will have learned to keep you safe, but imagine if your systems worked this hard for 60 or more years? The wear and tear on your emotional psyche is akin to a car that’s been driving for 20+ years. Worn out, depleted, shaky, or more.
The thing is, in Ontario today, mental health among older adults aged 70+ is looking pretty grim, and while I could blame tucking feelings under the rug for so long, there are more serious things going on. A recent Mental Health stats for Older Adults in Ontario/Canada reports increased isolation, loneliness, depression, anxiety and suicide.
Now, I know this population pretty well — not only do I have an older father who fits this bill of the aforementioned (sorry to out you, Dad, I love you), I have also developed relationships with older adults throughout my 20+ professional career in social gerontology. In many of the conversations, I often heard:
All my friends are dead
My wife died, and I don’t have anyone to talk to
I don’t like anyone my age
I’m an older gay man without a big family
With all of this in mind, and honing my mantra of research into action, I have created a space to hold group therapy for older adults 70+, specifically for men.
If you or someone you know is in need of this, please reach out.
